what's cookin'?

I'm never going to be the type of girl who makes homemade jam in my kitchen on a Saturday afternoon. I'm just not.

I am the kind of girl who loves to bake cakes and treats. I love filling up the bellies of my loved ones, but I think that perhaps, I'm not the best "homemaker".

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing my husband an injustice. I stick with what I know (what I know that he likes). I don't venture too far off of my path.
But I wonder if I should? Maybe venture a little.
I want something new in my life, something exciting, something I can say, "see? see what I did?"

for now, I'll leave my jams to Smucker's. They've been doing it for so long now (since the 1800's!!), and they're good at it. Really good at it. Who doesn't love a PB&J with Smucker's? And plus, I hate when my kitchen has sticky stuff on the counter, and I'm willing to bet that if I were making homemade jam, there would be sticky stuff on the counter, me, and possibly even the pup.

I'm going to surprise myself (and maybe even you?) this weekend. I'm going to make something really good for my hubs. I don't know yet what it will be. But I'm going to do something I wouldn't normally do. I'm going to make myself into a little Susie Homemaker this weekend.


Note the look of confusion on her sweet little face.... I'm betting I will have the same bewildered look plastered across my face. You wanna know what she's thinking? She's probably thinking, "hmmm, should we just order Chinese?"

a period of waiting; pause, interval, or delay.

I'm not trying to conceive anymore.
I've decided to just wait, not quit, just wait.

Wait until we can say that we've celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary.
Wait until my body works itself out
Wait until I've lost more weight (I'm down 17 lbs so far)
Wait until I have a stamp in my passport that says: Germany
Wait until my bank account is pregnant
Wait until my sister moves back to the states
Wait until all the babies that I know are all grown up
Wait until I'm so tired of waiting that I grow old and am unable to have any babies at all

I feel like I'm standing in a very long line waiting for my number to be called, but I'm in the wrong line, with the wrong ticket, in the wrong building, at the wrong time...

so, for now, we will wait. I will not take medications. So, this is where I am. I'm going to finish out 2010 with out urinating on anymore EPTs. I'm just going to enjoy my 4th year of marriage to a man who shows up at my work in the middle of a summer storm, in a white button down shirt and khaki pants, soaking wet, holding an umbrella so that I won't have to get soaked when I walk to my car. The man who surprises me with white and red roses, just because. The man who took me to see Eclipse TWICE and didn't mind that I drooled over Edward. The man who lets me cry in the crook of his arm because I miss my sister. The man who swears that every single meal I cook is "the best" he's ever had.
I don't think that a baby is "missing" from my life... a baby is just waiting.

questioning the ultimate question.

I'm sad to say, I feel that I've lost my way. I use to be so certain about faith, God, my spirituality. Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, I feel that it got too foggy. I am not so sure of faith, of life, of anything really. There are things that I feel sure about, like love. but, faith? Hope? I find it so much easier to have hope and faith for others. But not myself.
here was my "message from God" on Facebook today:

On this day God wants you to know...

... that when the night feels very long, remember that a new day is just around the bend. With each new day we are given new hope, new possibilities, new opportunities. Each new day is a miracle.

hmmm....

food for thought, no?