Looking out my bay window...

It's bright and sunny out and I just watched my neighbor (a daddy) walk down the street to pick up his little girl from the school bus. They walked back together, holding hands. She was double stepping to keep up with him (and his strides were slow), talking a mile a minute. I want that for my husband.

like sands through the hour glass, or something like that....

My days mumble and jumble together, fast, before I have time to blink or click the shutter button on the camera. Was it really that long ago that I sat down and wrote a blog, or was it yesterday? I can't remember. I feel out of my norm, for no clear reason. I still hit the snooze in the am, have my shower, and drink my coffee while watching the local news.... I still drive to work, clock in, sign on, and plaster a fake smile to my face.... I still come home, shed the shoes, pull my hair up, and play with my pup.... I still do everything as I have, and yet, I feel like everything is out of whack. I feel like I'm spinning uncontrollably, with no clear destination. I feel like time is flying by me too quickly, before I have a chance to really stop and see it. I feel like we're moving too fast. I want to stop sometimes, right in the middle, stop and just take it all in. I want to hold tight to my husband's hand and keep us right here.
I feel like I haven't talked to my mom in ages. Not just the "how are yous", but the real conversations. The ones that leave me feeling full and content. The ones that make my sides hurt from laughing. The ones that make me remember just how lucky I really am to be connected to such a beautiful being. I miss her with a fierce intensity. I'm truly lonely for her. I hate that I can't just hop in my car and drive over to see her. I hate that I have to pack to visit my mom. I hate living so far away.
I'm feeling disconnected.

is that you Jakob Ammann?

I'm addicted to reading blogs from people who have children. I love to sneak into their lives and read what goes on in their worlds. I get absorbed in their stories, pictures, and all the quotable quotes from their little ones. I sit back on the sofa, lap top in my lap, and get sucked in. An hour will pass in seconds. I'll look up and realize that an entire sitcom has played out on the TV, and I never even heard the canned laughter. I get so fully immersed.
I can't help wondering what kind of stories I'll have when I'm a mommy. What kind of darndest things will my rug rats come up with?
(speaking of darndest things: This video still cracks me up, check it out, you won't be sorry)

I can't wait until my blog revolves around play dates, well child appointments, and all the adventures of first time parents. But, for now, I'll just continue writing about my day to day, sans baby.

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while watching my horrible local news station (it's an embarrassment, but I adore it), I found out something that I didn't know about Pennsylvania....

{drum roll please} there is a town in PA named Intercourse.

At first I didn't believed I'd heard them right. Could she really have said that or was it a Freudian slip? So, of course I hopped online (where all the answers are,right?) and googled it.
Yes, Virginia, there is an Intercourse PA!
Not only does it have a rockin' awesome name, it is also in Amish Country! (back story, I've always been intrigued, possibly bordering on obsessed, by the Amish). So, I immediately grab the phone and dial my sister. It was a wake up call for her (lucky dog gets to sleep in longer than me) but I like think that it was the BEST wake up call she's gotten in a while.
So.... this past weekend we went to Intercourse. Of course, the whole way we came up with picture captions for the Welcome to Intercourse sign:

• On the first date
• it's so good, I got a UTI
• we came all the way, and didn't bring a condom
• thanks for coming
  

you get the idea. We giggled the whole way to Intercourse (hee hee).
As we entered town we squealed with excitement, HORSE POOP on the side of the road, buggies, men with long beards, and really beautiful farm land. I can't help but wonder if the Amish are aware of the name of their town? How can they go about their daily chores while all of us common folks pose by their welcome sign and make provocative gestures? (because we did)

We bought "Greetings from Intercourse" post cards, a pot holder that says "I love Intercourse", and some Amish treats. Fun was had by all. And well, yeah... I will come again. :)

Who knew you could have so much fun with a tank of gas and a town with a dirty name?

for more info on the Amish culture, and who exactly Jakob Amman is, read it here. Two photos courtesy of my darling sister, Amber Suman.

PCOS invades my dreams...

I can't even get through one day (or night) with out being reminded that I'm with out a child.
Seems like all of my worse "I need a baby" moments are greeted with newborn well child appointments at work. When I'm aching to be expecting, I see hundreds of baby-bellies at the grocery store. When I've just peed on a negative EPT, my friend announces her pregnancy on facebook. When I feel like it will NEVER happen for me, my cousin posts a link to her registry online, a snap shot of the ultrasound, and a list of could-be names.

I had a dream last night that I started developing a full beard. In the dream I said "I knew this would happen when I went off of the birth control". My sister was in the dream, and she said "you're just going to have to shave it off". I woke up freaking out that I'm going to grow a beard.

I know it's an irrational fear....
but... Oh god. What if I grow a beard? I've seen women with lots of facial fur. I've seen them with serious sideburns, thick mustaches, etc. I don't want want to have male-pattern hair growth. I don't to have PCOS anymore.

Why can't I be normal?